I figured I would start with the only poem I have ever memorized... plus it is fitting.
I set a goal for myself that I would write a post at least once every quarter. The seeds of thought for this one have been floating around in my head for weeks now but today I feel like they are ready to share.
It has been a whirlwind of so much over the last two months. We have welcomed babe #2 to the family as of March 25th, Iris June! I still have moments when I realize that I am now a Mom of 2! It is all surreal and amazing and HARD and awesome and messy.. and sticky... why is everything sticky!!
Her delivery was something else. I earned myself a new title that I never wanted - NICU Mom. Now I write that fully knowing that there some that have never had a chance to be called “Mom” as well as those that had a much longer journey in the NICU than we experienced and I do not want to discount anyone else’s experience. I simply want to share my story.
Towards the end of the pregnancy I was unable to walk without severe pain because of relaxin trying to break my pelvis. So between the pain and the new pandemic we decided to move forward with the planned induction as of March 23rd. When we got to the hospital and they assessed how I was doing they tried to encourage us to delay the induction and give my body some more time to move along. I couldn’t handle the thought of leaving and needing to come back. Not knowing if DJ would even be allowed in the hospital with me if they were to change their policies because of the COVID. So we chose to proceed and get the process started. The first medication did not have much affect or move me closer to labor but that alone took about 12 hours or so. The next day they started drug #2 which is the same they used for Violet and that got the ball rolling in the right direction. I was able to experience my water breaking which was new. I gotta say that is a very weird sensation...like something literally pops.
I labored for a few hours and then I started into active labor. At the first wince of pain I requested the epidural. With Violet there was a delay between my asking and when it was administered so I wasn’t going to try and tough anything out! But this time they were on it super quick and I was medicated and enjoyed the sweet relief of an epidural. After going through a month or so of severe pain and then progressing into labor, the medicine was such relief. I was able to finally get some good rest and let me body labor as it needed to.
Some time after midnight I started to feel things moving further along. They are not kidding when they say it may feel like you need to have a bowel movement when it is time to push. The sensation was there but not completely overwhelming so I just rode the waves so to speak.
Once I called the nurses around 3 am to check the progress, it turned out I was crowning and didn’t even realize it! Two pushes and she was delivered. It was pretty amazing for that moment! With Violet I was so incredibly tired and worn out plus there was a vacuum assist at the end so I wasn’t fully aware of what was going on for her delivery. I had labored for over 24 hours and was completely spent. So to be present and see Iris delivered was incredible.
** bottle and diaper intermission... **
As soon as she was delivered, they put her on my chest for skin to skin. I wasn’t able to do the skin to skin with Violet because I was so exhausted so they only thing I wanted with Iris was to do skin to skin. Unfortunately I was getting sick soon after I delivered so she was handed off to the nurses to do their assessments and the post delivery care. I didn’t realize that she wouldn’t be coming back to our room.
Her initial APGAR scores were great but then her breathing took a small hit. She wasn’t breathing as well as they liked and I believe her heart rate was off as well. There was a flurry of activity over at the warmer, calls for more staff, another horde of nurses invaded our room, someone asking me if I was on opiates at all, then administering narcan to my innocent little girl, getting intubated and then whisked off in an isolette. They told us they would give us an update on they had a handle on what was going on. By then the midwife was done with my care and had left our room. Then it was just silent which was the most unsettling. My nurse and her student stuck around for a bit, I think to keep us company but eventually needed to care for other patients. So after delivery DJ and I were just in our room alone... with no baby and no update. It was the strangest most surreal feeling in the world. Not to mention that it was 4 am which already lends itself to its own strange vibe.
For the brief moment that I was able to hold her, she had left her mark on my chest and sports bra. I couldn’t bring myself to shower or change until I was able to see her and hold her again. This “stuff” on my chest was all I had of my precious daughter at the moment.
When the nurses stopped in around 6 am to tell us about ordering breakfast, we actually needed to ask them for an update on our babe because no one had been in to see us yet. I think I was still in shock from the whole experience.
Finally they came in to let us know that they were concerned about her breathing and heart rate, that she was intubated and on a vent. My tiny, healthy little new born babe was on a ventilator.
We ate breakfast and had some coffee to get our wits about us after such a long night. Then we were able to go down and see Iris June in the NICU. They tried to warn me both in our room and as we scrubbed in that she was on a vent with tubes and wires. No matter how much someone tells you about it, nothing can prepare you for that moment. On our first visit, I was only allowed to put my hands in the isolette and put my hand on her head and hold her feet so she felt secure. That was hard. So freaking hard. She would wrap her toes around my fingers and it ripped me a part that I wasn’t allowed to hold my baby.
She was hooked up to four heart monitor pads, breathing, tube feed through her nose, IV, and a pulse oximeter on her foot. So many wires for such a little tiny babe. She was fighting against the breathing tube and taken off the vent after about 12 hours. Thankfully my girl has a little spunk.
Once she was off the vent I was able to finally hold her in my arms. I wept... I cried so hard in that moment. Because of pain and beauty and relief and fear and so many reasons.
There were doctors and nurses and nurse practitioners over the next few days. Explanations offered all pointed back to my medication. Medications I took for my own mental health and well being, that I was told were safe with little to no impact on the baby - Zoloft for postpartum depression from Violet and Concerta for my ADHD. If there is ever an example of kicking someone when they are down, I would say this is it. A postpartum mother whose newborn is in the NICU during a pandemic and oh yeah, your medication caused the issue. Oh, but don’t feel bad because you need to do what you need to do for your own health as well. What are you supposed to do with something like that? Ultimately there was a whole host of reasons that things turned out the way they did. I had an epidural, taking Benadryl to sleep, my medications, quick delivery, etc. I was able to read her chart and notes and see that they referenced many different explanations with no clear culprit. I was able to, mostly, let go of the guilt but it was still a struggle.
The rest of our stay continued on with many ups and downs. Between conflicting information and being told that we would need to stay another 24 hours and then another 72 hours...etc. Then one day they just said, “You can go now”. I asked if there were any instructions or anything special we needed to know. “No, you can go”. So we packed up and made the journey home! We were admitted to the hospital on Monday, March 23rd, delivered on Wednesday, March 25th, then discharged on Tuesday, March 31st.
There is more to say I am sure but I think I am done for now. The words have stopped flowing and I think I will listen for now instead of writing more. If you have made it this far, I thank you.
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