Trees, Life, Existentialism and Patchouli...

“Concerning trees and leaves... there's a real power here. It is amazing that trees can turn gravel and bitter salts into these soft-lipped lobes, as if I were to bite down on a granite slab and start to swell, bud and flower. Every year a given tree creates absolutely from scratch ninety-nine percent of its living parts. Water lifting up tree trunks can climb one hundred and fifty feet an hour; in full summer a tree can, and does, heave a ton of water every day. A big elm in a single season might make as many as six million leaves, wholly intricate, without budging an inch; I couldn't make one. A tree stands there, accumulating deadwood, mute and rigid as an obelisk, but secretly it seethes, it splits, sucks and stretches; it heaves up tons and hurls them out in a green, fringed fling. No person taps this free power; the dynamo in the tulip tree pumps out even more tulip tree, and it runs on rain and air.”
― Annie Dillard

If that quote does not remind you that you are alive and force you to feel the wonder of the blood pumping through your veins and the air in your lungs....well, then I am sorry. We are a part of an amazing creation and there is something in that that makes me want to jump out of my own skin and just thank God that I exist. Daily life causes us to forget this. Desks with computers and piles of papers and laundry and grocery lists and families and kids cause us to forget that our very existence is a miracle.  We lose the gift of the present moment just trying to keep up with life. 

I have been pondering the big questions of life such as What will the next chapter hold for me? What am I doing with this life, this one and only life? In college I heard so much about calling, career and vocation that it almost seemed to be some sort of magical thing that would magically happen. Also had innocent dreams of having a job I loved, an adorable apartment I could afford, meeting the man of my dreams and living happily ever after. It is a harsh reality when you realize that things just don't happen that way. In so many ways I think I have let those idealistic visions truly hold me back from what I want. I can say that this year has been my year to really explore my love for nature and plants. Something has definitely come alive in me that I haven't been in touch with for a very long time. I can remember as my father was driving me to college he asked me if I was sure I wanted to major in Student Ministry and not something like biology or something like that. I actually started out with a minor in Biology until I got to Pre-Med A&P, enjoyed the lecture and the lab, even had my own cat to dissect. I may have even named him.... but I digress. 

I had A&P, it got hard and hurt my GPA so I dropped it. At that time I felt like I "loved God more than biology anyhow". Because if you love God you do ministry not some menial thing like science or biology. Oh what foolish notions we were sold. 

Ultimately my dream was to become the "Nature Girl" at a Christian Retreat center where I could combine the two things I love and teach people about things I love to talk about. I think I am at a place where I want to explore that dream again. Although I have a great job working with great people I am not sure it is the best fit for me. Even my adventures this past weekend with the meteors and the meteor shower excite in me such a hunger to learn again and to really understand the natural world. To understand not just the what but also the why of what we see outside our window excites the crap out of me... To be able to have a working intimacy with nature and fall into its natural rhythms fits for me. I want to have a mudroom workshop with clear plastic drawers with labeled specimens of leaves and rocks and feathers and berries and plants and MUSHROOMS! (because they're neat! :0) ) and teach people what plants are edible and what's not so edible.... and if I find one of these places to work at I am pretty sure they won't mind my djembe or my patchouli but that's just a hunch!