Wow how do I even sum up anything anymore?
Today is my 39th birthday. One more year until 40. Phew, strange to write that when in so many ways I still struggle to see myself as an adult, which is funny considering I have an SUV, two kids and two mortgages.
I have an almost 2 and a half year old and an almost 1 and a half year old.
I became a stay at home mom as of April 2nd 2021.
I have learned a lot about myself and how I work and what works best for me and that I am not as bad at laundry as I thought I was… now putting it away is a totally different conversation.
Recently DJ started brewing beer and I was able to see the process and we brewed a batch of hard cider. It is a silly thing but it has been on my bucket list for quite some time. It is science and magic and delicious! Making cheese, homemade soap and roasting coffee beans are still on the list!
Violet is quickly becoming a truly sentient being with her own thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
I am learning that she is really watching me and learning. This is when the rubber meets the road in regards to my consistency and clarifying what I really want to be like as a parent. Fully understanding that I am still human and will fail but having something I am striving for I think is important.
Driving home last night we only saw three lightning bugs. I was completely overwhelmed thinking about what kind of world we are leaving behind for our children. Like gut wrenching, painful, ache….
I started researching how to cultivate for lightning bugs and bats and wildflowers and bees…. Feeling like I am on a frantic search to save something for the future and for my kids eyes. Wondering if they will be able to experience the true richness of the earth and catching lightning bugs in a jar like we did when I was a kid. Wondering if the delivery of so many goods by mail is going to put the local markets completely out of business. Is everything going to move online and will we be living more of our lives digitally rather than in the flesh? Will masks become a permanent fixture for them? Will they learn that people are good at heart mostly and that a smile really can change someone’s day? What will be the “new smile” if masks are permanent? Will they learn how to love someone different than them and find their common humanity or will the world continue to be divided at its core?
This anxiety coupled with remembering that we were able to go to a local creek and see tadpoles and green dragonflies and crayfish and be in awe of the water falls and the splash of the rocks…. Gosh parenthood is weird. It’s the constant feeling of trying to bottle up a waterfall in case you missed something and wanting to give them the best and remember every little second.
I feel so inadequate to be my children's mother sometimes. Am I enough?
I am struggling with my faith as of late as well. I believe God is good at my core. There is something there for sure. But I struggle to look in my daughters eyes and explain the Moses story or the story of Christ and the crucifixion or Daniel and the Lions Den. I struggle to explain that it is, at heart, a story based on our need and our lacking as if somehow she is not enough just for who she is. To explain that there are no black and white/good and bad splits in life but everything is a mix of all of it. Life is lived in the gray area. It’s weird to write that considering so much of my identity in the past has been wrapped around that part of my life.
This is definitely just a collection of many seeds of thought I have been having lately and I am sure that I could expound on each one for pages but just getting this out right now is good. I think we not only experience growing pains in our physical body but also in our thoughts and experiences. Things need to break in order to grow.
Children and becoming a mother and living more of life has a way of doing that. But this journey is also breaking things down that have held me back for so long. Like I wear shorts now on the regular. I wore a two piece bathing suit at the beach this summer. I felt the sea breeze on my bare stomach. In college I thought I couldn’t wear a tank top because I was too fat. I have come far, very far. This s the kind of mindset I hope to instill in my girls.
I want them to know that they are enough. That they are more than enough.
They are strong. Their bodies are beautiful and worthy of being cared for.
That they can do amazing things. That they can do simple things. That they can do hard things.
That the world is a wonderful place. That we really are connected to each other in a deep way.
That lightning bugs are worth saving.
